I Don’t Believe In Making Moves In Silence
"It always seems impossible until it's done and texted" /Nelson Mandela
5/25/20263 min read
I think, as a professional overtexter, it's important for me to acknowledge people who are terrible at texting. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I could have dinner with Hitler and Doja Cat on top of Mount Everest — unlikely, but stay with me here — and come back, and some of my friends still would not shoot me a text. Does it mean they don't care?
Let's debate.
I’ve never really believed in “moving in silence.” I like overtexting. I like oversharing. I like telling people about a cute spot I found on my walk or a business idea that would absolutely get rejected on Shark Tank. Some people probably find that annoying, and honestly, fair enough.
To clarify: I’m not texting every single person in my life every random thought I have. I’m not sending “took a poop,” “watching TV,” or “just looked out the window” updates to all my contacts all day long. Usually, I text one specific person depending on the context.
If I’m trying a recipe my friend Caitlyn sent me, I text her.
If I’m watching a show Mattie recommended, I text her.
If I cut my hair after me and Lauren spent two hours complaining about having long hair, I text her.
You get the point. It’s not random. Well — sometimes it is. Especially with friends who live far away. Sometimes I’ll just think of them and send a random text because that’s kind of how friendships stay alive.
Which is my point here: if someone doesn't text you checking in on how something went, it doesn't mean they don't care. I think it's a huge ego thing to assume everyone is so concerned about you that they only deserve information after they ask nicely.
If something is happening in my life, I don’t sit there waiting for my friends to text, “Hey, how did that thing go?” I just tell them.
I hate this weird epidemic of:
“Well, you didn’t ask.”
Okay? Still tell me.
This is kind of tied to my Hitler + Doja Cat + Me + Mt. Everest thing in the sense that:
Some friends would ask for an update.
Some friends wouldn't.
And I don't think one group of friends is better than the other.
A lot of friendships would die if nobody volunteered information. Friendship maintenance is literally built on random updates.
“Funny story from the grocery store.”
“A guy spilled wine all over himself at the event last night.”
“I overheard a couple arguing about custody of their ugly dog.”
That’s friendship. Tiny meaningless stories. Random observations. Little updates that make people feel included in your life.
But, to illustrate the other side of the argument: I think texting is a real form of care, and honestly, I think people have lost some of the art of caring. People avoid asking follow-up questions because they’re scared of prying.
The prying thing is easy, I think. If I feel like that’s borderline what I’m doing, I just sprinkle in a “Totally okay if you don’t want to talk about it” after I ask.
So maybe, yes, asking is nice. But I don't rely on it.
It’s easy to get upset when friends leave you on read or take forever to answer. Trust me, I get it. But sometimes it’s healthier to let go of the immediate “they don’t give a fuck about me” spiral and just text them again with some random bullshit.
Tell people things. Reach out first. Send the stupid story. Keep your friendships alive.
PS: I’m not a guru. If this advice gets you blocked, that’s between you and whatever higher power you believe in. Or maybe the friendship was not meant for you.
PSS: I am talking about your friends, not your exes. Please have some self-respect. Also, moderation matters. You do not need to send 47 updates a day to every contact in your phone.